Compliments of Andy Borowitz at The Borowitz Report.
Dear American Taxpayers:
In 2008, you paid for a bailout of A.I.G. totalling $182 billion. Today, we are writing to tell you that we’re thinking of suing you.
When we made this decision, we knew we were in for some rough treatment from the media. We’ve been called everything from soulless bloodsuckers to Satan’s scabrous handmaidens, and worse. At A.I.G., though, we have a different name for ourselves: true American heroes.
You see, by suing the same people who bailed out our asses just five years ago, we are standing up for one of the most precious American rights of all: the right to sue someone who has just saved your life.
Let’s say that you’re trapped in a burning building and a fireman pulls you out to safety. Once you’re out of the fire, though, you notice that the fireman carelessly ripped the lapel of your Armani jacket. Shouldn’t you be able to sue the fireman for the full cost of its replacement?
Or let’s say you’re drowning in the ocean. A lifeguard dives in, pulls you back onto the shore, and administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Aren’t you entitled to take appropriate action—i.e., sue him for sexual harassment?
By suing you, we are standing up for the right of every other American who might, through no fault of his own, have his life saved and want to sue the person who saved him for millions of dollars. And that’s why we’re asking for your help today.
Lawsuits aren’t cheap. They require highly paid lawyers, who rack up millions in legal fees, not to mention first-class airfare, hotels, and sumptuous gourmet meals—hardly the kind of expense that we at A.I.G. can afford.
That’s why we’d like you to pay for it.
You may think we’re expecting a lot, asking you for the money necessary for us to sue you. But, remember, there’s a bigger principle at stake, and someday, if you’re pulled from a burning building or an ocean, you’ll be glad you stood with us today.
Oh, and as for our ad campaign, “Thank you, America”? We’re sticking with that, just changing the first word.
See you in court,
Your friends at A.I.G.